


Trash Talking

by BenevolentErrancy



Category: Wiedźmin | The Witcher (Video Game), Wiedźmin | The Witcher - All Media Types, Wiedźmin | The Witcher Series - Andrzej Sapkowski
Genre: Card Games, Fluff, Found Family, Gen, Gwent (The Witcher), Squabbling, Young Cirilla Fiona Elen Riannon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-14
Updated: 2020-04-14
Packaged: 2021-03-02 01:08:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,879
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23656633
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BenevolentErrancy/pseuds/BenevolentErrancy
Summary: Given most of the things that Geralt has been teaching Ciri, showing her how to play a popular card game seemed like a perfectly benign past-time, even if it was the fantasy equivalent of poker. It probably would have even stayed benign if either Geralt or Dandelion were capable of being chill about anything ever.
Relationships: Cirilla Fiona Elen Riannon & Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia, Cirilla Fiona Elen Riannon & Jaskier | Dandelion, Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia & Jaskier | Dandelion, Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia/Jaskier | Dandelion
Comments: 20
Kudos: 161





	Trash Talking

**Author's Note:**

> I know that theoretically Geralt is supposed to be a decent card player in game canon but listen. I am not. And I needed to vent about fucking gwent.
> 
> This is just domestic nonsense because apparently that's all I feel like writing right now.

“Are you going to teach the actual child how to gamble?” asked Dandelion from where he was laboriously restringing his lute.

“I’m going to teach the actual child how to play a  _ game _ ,” said Geralt, “which seems like a perfectly reasonable pursuit for a child, especially given how you and Triss have been harping on the other things I’ve been teaching her.”

Triss, who had spent the season with them at Kaer Morhen to help tend to Ciri, had opinions about little girls running around in combat leather, covered in bruises, and brandishing all manner of weaponry at people twice her size. Neither Geralt nor Ciri understood this sentiment. Dandelion, who they had met up with on the road, didn’t have Triss’ very vocal disapproval of Ciri’s training but still seemed to have strange hang-ups and what was or was not appropriate for a child to learn.

“Besides, no one said you have to gamble at gwent,” said Geralt reasonably. “And, it’s educational. Makes you think with logic and numbers. Strategy.”

Dandelion snorted, but looked too amused to argue further. “In that case I’d better join, so she actually does learn some strategy.”

Geralt gave him a scathing look.

Ciri, immune to their squabbling, was practically bouncing up and down with anticipation. “You’ll let me play, really? Can I play against you? Will you let me use your cards?”

Geralt shook his head fondly, before standing and going to his saddlebags. He dug to the bottom of one of the bags and pulled out four, little, wooden boxes that he came and set down in front of Ciri. The boxes were completely unadorned, besides for where they were chipped and dented from travel, but when he opened them it was like he’d cracked open a treasure chest, with the way Ciri gasped at their contents.

“In gwent,” Geralt explained, as he carefully tipped the cards out of each box and into his hand before arranging them on the ground before them, “you choose a faction. Most cards are associated with one faction, and can only be used in that deck. Some are neutral and can be played with any deck, but it’s important you decide which deck you want when you begin the game. These decks are the Northern Realms, Nilgaard, Scoia’tael, and Monsters. There’s others besides, like Skellige and Syndicate, but I’ve never bothered to collect them.”

“Can I see?” asked Ciri, who seemed to be barely resisting the urge to just grab them. But she did resist, which said a lot for how much she had learned since travelling with Geralt in Brokilon. Geralt didn’t suffer imperious fools, not even baby princesses. 

He passed her the largest deck, the Northern Realms, the deck Dandelion knew he favoured and put the most effort into collecting. Ciri flipped through it, admiring the pictures, trying to make sense of their words and symbols. After a moment, Geralt reached out to take that deck back, and passed her the Monster deck next. She was delighted by the creatures, many of which she recognized from her studies at Kaer Morhen.

“Can I have one of these decks?” she asked eagerly. “So I can play?”

Geralt shook his head. “In gwent, you build your own deck. You decide which cards to keep, which to discard, and you play to win new cards. It’s common to stake a card on a match, that’s how decks stay fresh, though you can buy them as well. I won’t give you a full deck because that exceeds the point. You’ll compete with people that have similar decks to begin with, and you’ll learn how to play better if you add to your own deck slowly rather than trying to pick it up all at once. But if you choose which type you want to collect I’ll give you enough cards to start off.”

This placated Ciri, who eagerly began rifling through the four decks, trying to decide which she would like to start with.

“They have a Scoia’tael deck…” she murmured, stroking her hand down the edge of a card with an elven war, his face painted in intimidating green war paint, with a string of delicately painted squirrel tails attached to his leather pauldrons. “But how?” she added. “I thought Scoia’tael were new?”

“Good point,” said Dandelion, brow knitting. “I’d never considered that. This is a much older game. Is the deck a new creation? I’ve never known it played without a Scoia’tael deck.”

Geralt shrugged. “Not really. When I was first learning it was just called an Elder Blood deck. Here, look, I have some of my original cards…” He took the deck from Ciri and flipped through it until he came upon a card with finger-softened edges. The art on it was faded, and in a completely different style from the sharp edged cards that Ciri had been looking at. There were no squirrel tails or war paint in this picture, but rather a slender man in long robes carrying a heavily decorated lute. Ciri stared at it, enraptured, something a little too old and a little too sad for such a child in her eyes. She brushed her finger over the elves flower-woven braids, as if she could somehow connect with this old painting, as if he could reach out to her, or her to him.

“Why did they change it if they’re the same thing?” asked Ciri softly.

“Probably because it feels more honourable to do battle with a band of half-fictionalized commandos than to think about killing some half-starved elf forced to live by clinging to the edges of the world,” said Geralt, with a smile that was more tooth than kindness. 

“You’re a regular ray of sunshine this morning,” said Dandelion with a grimace. “But you know, I bet that card would be worth a fortune, even if it’s not terribly strong. It’s practically an antique!”

Ciri was still staring at the elven cards, hand tracing the worn paint lines, while Geralt scowled at Dandelion who was now flipping through Geralt’s Nilfgaardian deck, looking for other “ancient” cards.

“This is a level 10 card and I’ve never even heard of it. And look at its effects! What is it?”

Geralt glanced at it and grunted. “Some duke from about fifty years ago. Pompous prick. Got beheaded by a bunch of farmers when he went to visit his holdings. Doesn’t surprise me they aren’t reproducing that one. Still, useful. Won it off a very drunk knight after I saved him from being eaten by a fucking pissed green dragon. Thought better of dragon hunting after that.”

“Huh,” said Dandelion, shuffling it back into the deck as he continued to flick through it. “I’ve never really given much through to it, but I suppose they’re making new specialty cards all the time.”

“Endlessly,” said Geralt with a roll of his eyes. “It’s useless to try to keep up. I think they think it makes the game seem politically relevant rather than just a drunkard’s time-waster. Here’s a card that might interest you though,” he said, suddenly grinning. He grabbed his Northern Realms deck and flicked through it, hunting for something specific. “Ah ha! Here it is. I just won it.”

Dandelion looked at the card held before him, and he gave a squawk of indignation. “Yennefer!  _ Yennefer! _ Yennefer gets a gwent card? And as a medic? Ha! Whoever made this card has clearly never been on the receiving end of her tender mercies… Does she know about this?”

“Given that it still exists, I doubt it,” said Geralt with a smirk. “You know her thoughts on the game.”

“Exactly! Why don’t I have a card? I’m the most beloved troubadour there is across the Continent! Why I could be a spy! Or a medic, with songs that heal even the heaviest of hearts!”

Geralt snorted. “Please. If anything, that should contribute to damage. A scorch effect, kills whatever closed combat card is unlucky enough to be in earshot.”

Dandelion flung the Yennefer card back at Geralt in outrage. “Well what would your card be? Level one, no doubt, to reflect what a miserable card player you are!

Geralt was still laughing though and carrying on. “In any case, Dandelion, the point of being a spy is not being immediately recognized as a spy. The moment they have that stamped across the gwent cards is the moment I expect Dijkstra to serve up your head on a plate, stupid hat and all.”

Dandelion huffed in fury, and seemed to be settling in for a good, proper outrage, the sort of mood he would happily stoke for the rest of the night simply for the drama of it, and then forget immediately come the morning. Or once drinks and food were brought out, whichever came first.

“I want to build a Scoia'tael deck,” Ciri said suddenly. “An Elder Blood deck.”

Geralt nodded without comment. “Alright. I’ll give you the cards to start it off, but you’ll need to build it from there.”

Taking the Scoia'tael deck back, he began shuffling through it, expression thoughtful as he plucked various cards from it. He selected exactly twenty two unit cards, enough to start a match, and a couple weather effect cards. Dandelion noticed that the lute-player Ciri had been admiring, with its worn edges and soft colours, ended up in the pile.

“Dandelion, do you have any paper on you? I don’t own a board,” said Geralt. Carrying a wooden board that large while travelling was just simply not feasible, even one with hinges. Normally Geralt played without, him and any opponent he cared to face knowing the game well enough not to need the guidelines. But for Ciri it would be necessary, so she could make sense of how the cards were arranged and played, which could be complicated if you weren’t familiar.

“Paper that large? I’ll see…” he said.

While Dandelion hunted through his bag, Geralt sat next to Ciri and began explaining what he could about the cards. Soon Dandelion returned with a very crumpled scroll. The one side held writing of some sort, but Dandelion flipped it and pinned it to the ground with rocks. It wasn’t quite the right dimensions, but near enough. With a deft hand, Dandelion pulled out a rumpled quill, a pot of ink, and began doing his best to sketch out the various boxes and the little symbols that denoted what they were all for.

“Me and Dandelion will play first,” said Geralt. “You can join and watch what we do, and we’ll explain as we go. After, you can give it a try.”

Dandelion gave him a toothy grin. “For coin?”

Geralt frowned. “You were the one scolding me for teaching her a gambling game.”

“I’m not playing  _ her, _ I’m playing you.”

“You’re just sore that I said you would make a poor gwent card,” said Geralt.

“Of course,” agreed Dandelion. “Come, Ciri, come sit by me. I’ll show you how to win. Pony up, Geralt.”

Scowling, Geralt sat by himself on the other side of the makeshift board, shuffling through his cards to make up a playable deck while Dandelion fished out his own well-travelled Nilfgaardian deck.

“You have to choose which cards to use,” Dandelion was explaining, as he did the same. “Most people have a much larger deck than they would use in a match. You must have at least twenty-two unit cards in your active deck, and then which ever extras you want to play with. The rest get left aside.”

“Isn’t more better?” asked Ciri.

“In very few things is more quantity better than quality,” said Geralt dryly, shooting Dandelion a look. Then he explained further, “You only get to draw ten cards from your entire deck. So if you have lots of weak cards mixed in with your good cards, you have a much lower chance of drawing the good ones. But if you have too few cards then you might not have the opportunity to draw an important card that would help you. It’s a balance. Got your deck selected, bard?”

Geralt dropped a handful of crowns on the ground to the side. Dandelion grinned like a bruxa and added his own to the pile. Both placed their decks in the respective square, placed their chosen leader cards to the side, and drew ten cards.

“Now,” said Geralt, “you can choose two cards you don’t like and redraw them from the deck.”

“Three,” said Dandelion.

Geralt frowned. “Two.”

“They’ve upped it to three! I was in Novigrad when the big tournament was on last year, I watched for myself. You know if anywhere is following the rules to the letter, it’s there.”

“That’s the last place to watch for faithful gameplay,” said Geralt dryly. “It’s been two for the past eighty years, why change it?”

Dandelion shrugged. “It is rather nice, I’m not arguing. Saves you from bad luck at the initial draw.”

“ _ Fine _ , three. Flip a coin for first play.”

“Flip for me Ciri, bring me luck,” sang Dandelion, as Geralt rolled his eyes.

Taking one of the crowns from the pile, Ciri gleefully did as she was told, and did win her and Dandelion first play. From there the game was on.

-

“You know I can hear what you’re saying when you’re whispering in each other’s ears,” said Geralt dryly as Ciri pointed at one of Dandelion’s card and made a suggestion to him.

Dandelion gave him a dazzling grin. “It won’t help you, my dearest witcher! You deserve the handicap.”

“Bard, your confidence is grating and rarely warranted. If I catch you cheating I’ll tie you to a tree and leave you for the wolves.”

“...Are you sure you two like playing this game?” asked Ciri, frowning.

“Trash talk is a vital part of the game,” said Dandelion solemnly. “Especially when it’s the only way Geralt can try to redeem the dignity he’s about to lose to me. That and his coin.”

Geralt snorted. “In your dream, Dandelion. I’ve been playing this game since before you were born.”   


“It is going to make it all the more embarrassing, won’t it?” agreed Dandelion. “It’s your turn, make a move.”

-

Geralt glared at the remaining three cards in his hand, as if it could somehow turn them into something that would be useful. They had each won one round, and were locked bitterly in the last match. Geralt had played his Yennefer, making Dandelion scoff anew, but it hadn’t turned up any more useful cards, and even using his leader’s ability to cast Impenetrable Fog and neutralize Dandelion’s entire row of ranged fighters did nothing when the poet tossed out a Clear Weather card and retaliated with a Commander’s Horn that made his siege combat cards an unstoppable force.

“ _ Pah! _ I concede,” said Geralt with poor grace, tossing down his remaining cards.

Dandelion crowed, scooping up his winnings and passing Ciri a cut.

“Well, what do you say, Geralt?” he said, letting the coins clink together. “Shall you try to win back your loss? Or, well, half your loss, you’ll have to negotiate with Ciri for the remainder.”

Geralt rolled his eyes. “Keep your coin. Besides, I  _ believe _ the point of this was to get Ciri playing.”

“I don’t mind,” chirped Ciri, who seemed enraptured by this battle.

“No no, I understand, witchers are nothing if not strategic. If he knows he can’t win, let’s allow him to retreat with good grace,” said Dandelion, smirking, the whoreson.

Geralt's eyes narrowed dangerously as he leaned forward. “Fine, bard. We’ll play again, but not for coin. You’re going to bet your hat, and when I win I’m going to make you eat it, feather and all.”

Dandelion’s eyes lit up dangerously. “Oh, well if we’re playing for the removal of clothing—”

“ _ Not _ like that. Dandelion, seriously, there is a child here. Save it.”

“I will, thank you,” Dandelion practically purred. “But I was  _ actually  _ going to suggest you let me burn your headband.”

Geralt rolled his eyes. “Shuffle,” he commanded. “Ciri, you make sure he doesn’t cheat.”

Ciri saluted, and settled back against Dandelion’s side, eagerly watching as new hands were drawn and the game commenced anew, her own deck clutched tightly in her little palms. They ended up playing well into the night, even if no headwear was destroyed, and Ciri got her chance to play as well, against both Geralt and Dandelion who rearranged their active decks to be at a more appropriate level. All three slept late that next morning, a rare luxury on the road especially with Geralt as the task master, and once they did begin to pack up Ciri was sure to carefully and lovingly fold the paper board up and slip it into her own pack. It would be played on many more times, until the paper was so creased from refolding that it barely clung to life, but she hung onto it even well after having the chance to play on a real wooden board and well past the point where she no longer needed the symbols to remind her of where the cards went and what they did.

It was, all told, a very good night. Even with the trash talking.

**Author's Note:**

> Yes yes, I know there are Dandelion and Geralt cards (though I MISSED THE ONLY OPPORTUNITY TO GET THE DANDELION CARD AND I AM STILL ANGRY GUYS) but 1) given that the games are later in canon I figure that all the cards that exist in the game probably don't exist in the same capacity at this point in the timeline, and 2) if either a Dandelion or Geralt card DOES exist at this point in the canon, these clowns don't know about them yet. Because you know neither would shut tf up about it if they did.
> 
> Also, I'll be honest guys, I'm not sure how to feel about the fact that Geralt would presumably play Magic: The Gathering in a modern au.


End file.
